A Letter to a Good Woman Who Feels Stuck With a Good Man She No Longer Loves

My life seemed fine, but underneath I was unbearably restless. Our 5th anniversary was coming up. I felt stuck. Almost 4 years now. It’s hard to believe this used to be a problem in my life.

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By Kristina Shumilova

Hi love,

I know it’s been quite some time you’ve been thinking to break up with this guy. Only that you haven’t been able to quite figure out how to, and how to live your life after. Maybe you even live together. So you can’t seem to work up the courage. Maybe you have gotten yourself to the point where you can’t even talk to other people about it. And it isolated you, and you feel alone in it.
I don’t know you but I know I was exactly where you are right now. Feeling numb, exhausted, and disconnected. And the big love day is coming up, and you may even feel there is nothing to celebrate about your current relationship.

So, one day turns into another. You could be even secretly wishing he could change. In whatever way he needs to. Only if he could be a better partner, or if he could be doing something he is excited about in the world, or maybe if only he could stop judging you so much. But he is not a bad person. He is a good guy, and you’d be a horrible person if you left him. Because he is lovable, but now he is more like a friend only that you don’t even like spending time with him.

It is hard to admit. I did it. I slipped down the slippery slope of being with someone I didn’t want to be with any longer. And I scrutinized myself for the last 1.5 years of our relationship.

Our 5th anniversary was coming up. It was unbelievable how much we grew apart. It felt like I barely had anything in common with this person. And there was no sincere curiosity in me for what he had to say.

I felt stuck. I wanted to believe in him. But I wouldn’t admit to it to others. My life seemed fine, but underneath I was unbearably restless. And I didn’t know what to do. There was a growing hunger for spontaneity, laughter, adventure, romance, space to move around in, and my freedom; something I was born with and had chosen to deny. But, instead, I invested all of my energy into making this relationship work. But it wasn’t working. And it became exhausting.

There was a moment he asked me a question about where I saw myself 5 years from now. And my mind blanked. I don’t know exactly what I saw but I knew he wasn’t there with me. He wasn’t in my future years from now. And it hurt because I still couldn’t bring myself to make the move.

♦◊♦

And I had two big reasons:

  1. I worried I couldn’t figure out my life without him.
  2. I believed I was a bad person if I left him when he wasn’t feeling strong about himself.

So I judged myself, and got irritated with him. My own thoughts became a pattern that disabled everything from any sort of positive progress.

So, I want to share what I learned. Take it or leave it, and decide for yourself. We are not here to be perfect. Nor do I wish to tell you what to do but instead inspire you to be a better person, and live your life with integrity, and alignment to your own values.

♦◊♦

So I invite you to consider these:

1. Value yourself. Value your relationships.
If this one has come to an end, and you know when it has. Have the courage to be honest with yourself and others. It’s a great practice in life. And the more you do it, the easier it gets. The more you invite sincerity into your life.

2. Break the habit of numbing yourself from your own feelings.
Feel your emotions. They are there for a reason. And not some superficial one, but a real reason they won’t let you be a smaller person than you actually are. So they won’t go away. And if you get really curious to find out what the positive intentions are under those very strong feelings. Are they telling you to live a bigger life?

3. Walk your talk.
If you still have respect for this person, or love them, or care for them in a very special way honor their time here, and show them that you honor yours too. It will bring you closer to who you are. And if you ever yelled at them from the top of your lungs about the things you don’t want any more connected to that part of you that quietly knows exactly what it is that you want and wish for so deeply. Connect to your vision.

4. See the possibility.
A possibility for a future of happiness, and a connected relationship. And this one starts with you. Give yourself a chance to live with courage. It only becomes possible when you give that possibility of space to move around. When you give it air to breathe. Connecting to that possibility every day even for a moment will allow you to break free from that mummy that you’ve been living inside of. Nourish your dreamer so you can start living up to your own expectations in love. And it’s easy. Because it’s who you truly are.

5. Do him a favor.
This applies to that woman that has been trying to rescue her man in one way or another. If one of the reasons you are still with this person is because you don’t believe in him, let him go. So he can find himself again and believe in himself if this is what he needs to do. Here is the thing. People know. You don’t have to yell at them you don’t like them anymore. Because your thoughts of them are your emotions and your energy. So they see it in your eyes whether you talk about it or nor. No man needs you rescue services or a woman who doesn’t believe in him.

When I finally brought up the conversation in my relationship. He said it’s been heavily on his mind too. But he couldn’t bring himself up to talk about it. It hurt. That conversation wasn’t easy but I knew deep inside this was exactly what needed to happen. We gave it a break at first. It seemed like too much of a commitment to fully break up. But we sure did go our own ways, and have been living our own lives ever since. Almost 4 years now. It’s hard to believe this used to be a problem in my life.

Be honest. Cry if you have to. Try not to blame or victimize. Set clear intentions of why you want to say what you has been on your mind for way too long. Getting clear on that will help you speak from your heart. And if you have tried breaking up in the past, and it turned into a “losing it” contest imagine yourself doing it differently this time. Be kind.

It won’t be easy so I won’t pretend it will. But who knows maybe you are better at breaking up than I was. Whether you decide to stay together or go your own ways you are only on the right path if you are honest with yourself, and others.

Stay true to your heart.
Kristina

This story was previously published on The Good Men Project.

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