Guys, Sex Won’t Make You Whole

A man who does not work with his sexual energy gets worked by it.

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Photo credit: KatarzynaBialasiewicz on

WARNING: Explicit sexual content.

By Stuart Motola

Every guy has felt it.

Yes, he has felt it. I have felt it. He is inside of her.

He feels ecstasy.
He feels euphoria.
He feels… complete… eternal… immortal
He loves her more than ever.

“Ooh baby, you’re so amazing. I love you. I love you. I love you!’

He has gone back to his beginnings, to his origins, to the womb. As Robin Williams once said, a man spends nine months trying to get out and the rest of his life trying to get back in.

“Ooh baby, if only I could stay inside of you forever…”

Time and again, he reaches out to her. He seeks the entering, the being inside, the loving, and then… the moment of climax, when he gives all of himself away.

How good it feels — to give it all away.

To say “f*#k it” with all of his energy, after a whole day of keeping it together. The ultimate freedom. To release, to let go, to die. The little death, “la petite mort,” as the French say.

And as much as he wants to sustain the ecstasy, it all ends in a split second. And often he feels empty afterward — exhausted, depleted, half dead.

He no longer wants to stay inside of her forever. He wants out. His member is shot.

His illusion is dismantled. He knows it’s impossible to stay inside. She cannot make him whole. He feels vacant. Maybe even ashamed of his foolishness.

“Tell me again, how much you love me,” she says.

“Huh?” he says.

And at that moment, he crashes into reality. He is pulled out of his myopia, the nearsightedness of his own pleasure. He is alerted to the other. And he may even feel like a boy who’s been found out.

“You mean, you don’t really love me. You were just pleasuring yourself inside my body.”

And sure, there are women who are fine with a man pleasuring himself in her body. But that’s a fling, not a serious long term relationship.

Still, a day or even an hour later, his desire rises again. To be back inside of her. To re-engage the illusion that life and all things will be perfect once he’s back inside of her. And again, the words come out of his mouth.

“Awww baby, I love you! If only…”

He’s back to where he started. What’s going on here?

Well, he’s been taken away — worked over by his libido, his testosterone, his desire, or love. It masters him. He is not the master of it. He does not work with his sexual energy, but gets worked by it.

And he doesn’t feel the cost of this cycle until he’s in his late twenties and often older. The relational cost to himself and his partner. The cost of eventual…

An inner relational deadness.
And in time, less and less sex, if any at all.

In the absence of confronting the problem, many men grow bitter. Project, blame, bark. “Frigid B*tch.”

Or they spend years, looking for other women, chasing the same “make me whole, baby” booty call. Many men eventually just resign themselves to a sexless marriage or relationship.

Instead, a man may answer the call.

The call to discover what he really seeks in sex — connection and intimacy — and how to experience those things, integrated with his sexuality, instead of in lieu of.

The call to see her vagina as a sacred part of her that enhances intimacy, instead of a vehicle through which to merely pleasure himself.

The call to master his own sexual energy, instead of something that masters him.

And yes, this takes training.

To challenge the complacent parts of himself.
To grow.
To become more relational.
To get bigger in his capacity as a lover and ally to his partner.

Sex alone won’t make him whole.

But most men won’t do the work until they’re forced to, until their marriage or relationship is near an end.

Yes, women’s sexuality is powerful. Super powerful. The Yoni. The Sacred Birth Canal. The source of all life. How can a man not be in awe?

Sex in a long term relationship stops for one reason. Because there’s been a kink in the connection between partners.

It doesn’t just get turned back on magically. It takes work — speaking hard truths, risking vulnerability, rebuilding trust, and often even risking separation or divorce.

So, what’s the deal? Am I just wanting to bash men?

Hell no. I want to help men, and women, have an energized and fulfilling relationship. And good sex is certainly a part of that.

This story was originally published on and republished on The Good Men Project.

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