If She Doesn’t Respect You, She’ll Never Date You

In reality, women want a man who has established his own identity and place in the world.

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By James Michael Sama

There are an endless amount of factors that dictate whether or not two people want to date each other, and as someone who writes and speaks on relationships from a male perspective, I have a variety of conversations on a daily basis that enlighten me further on what makes a man desirable.

Sure, attraction is important — but it falls into the distant background behind considerations like trust, comfort, and very importantly: Respect.

Why have I singled out this feeling above all of the others? Arguably, trust and comfort could be equally as important as respect, but there is a differentiation.

Women will still spend time around men they trust and are comfortable with. They will see these men as friends, but if they don’t respect them as men, then there will never be the spark of attraction there.

I have long said that the reason why ‘nice guys finish last’ is because women cannot see a ‘nice guy’ as someone she can take on the world with. Often times, self-proclaimed nice guys are simply men who mold themselves to the wants and desires of the women they date. In reality, what this does is prevents her from actually getting to know you because you are simply a reflection of what (you think) she wants.

In reality, women want a man who has established his own identity and place in the world. A man they can rely on, count on, and trust. A man who is secure in his values because he knows who he is.

A man she respects.

Women want a man who is a man. It doesn’t matter how strong, or independent, or successful she is — she still wants you to step up and be her teammate in life. Nobody refers to their insignificant other. She wants a man that stands on his own two legs and lives his own life with passion and voracity.

She wants a man that she can count on for support, not someone she feels is going to topple over if she leans on him. She wants a man that she can rely on when things get rough, or when she needs you to step up and take over a task, or when she wants your advice on a challenge she’s facing.

Would you go to someone you don’t respect for any of these things?


Needless to say, respect permeates every part of a relationship. When you respect someone, you respect their viewpoints, their boundaries, their outlook on life. Their family, their friends, their ambitions. Respect is something that is earned, and it is something that also has to be kept.

Being respected is a result of living a life of dignity. Being true to your word, supporting people when they need you, standing up for yourself (and others). Developing life skills. Pursuing your passions. Not settling for mediocrity. Presenting yourself properly. Giving respect to those around you.

Respect is a currency, of sorts. One that needs to be maintained over time, and is easy to lose. For this reason, it is a necessary cornerstone of a deeper attraction and desire towards another human being.

This is why it’s so important for men to stop worrying so much about finding the right woman and start focusing on becoming the right man. No, not just to win a woman’s attention or affection — but to live a whole, happy, fulfilling, satisfying life. Only when we have put in the time, effort, and energy to develop ourselves into the men we want to be, can we expect to be a complete puzzle piece that can fit into another in order to build a relationship.

In my opinion, we should all strive to be respected in this life regardless of our relationship status. To contribute to the world, to add value to people’s lives around us, to be trustworthy, reliable, and loved.

The truth is; nobody, man, woman, or child — can feel these ways towards you, if they don’t first respect you.

This story was originally published on James M. Sama’s website. and republished on The Good Men Project.

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