Strong Boundaries Are Critical for Healthy Relationships. Can You Stand up for Yourself?

Intimate relationships are stronger when you know where you end and the other begins.

By Steven Lake

Boundaries in a relationship are something we don’t often talk about, but we engage with them every day. It often appears as a power struggle. Can you relate?

Having clearly defined boundaries, and boundaries that will be defended creates clarity for all parties involved. It tells the other what you will and will not put up with.

Unfortunately, for a myriad of reasons, some of us are not so good at 1) establishing boundaries and 2) keeping them.

In order to establish and keep boundaries, we must be able to tell the other person what we see or experience, how we feel about it, what we need, and what will be the consequences if our boundaries are not respected.

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There is an old saying that strong fences make good neighbors. It is the same with intimate relationships. When talking about strong boundaries I am not talking about withholding information, being secretive, not sharing oneself, or pushing the other away.

I am talking about self-respect, knowing your limits, knowing what works for you, what doesn’t, and being able to communicate; in other words, it is being assertive about where you end and the other begins.

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There is this fanciful notion that when people are in love they should have no boundaries. This is problematic in a huge way, as the dissolution of boundaries in the beginning of a relationship is, indeed, a real phenomenon. It is often called “falling in love.”

When in love, I feel like I am floating and my boundaries become permeable, like gas, and I mix with my partner, losing my sense of self. I see my partner through rose-colored glasses, she can do no wrong, and their imperfections are . . . cute, or interesting, or unique, and add personality.

This state of hypnotic trance can last for some time, but we tend to come out of this reality- blinding reverie within the first year. Another time when we can lose ourselves is…