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The Rules of Grief Are for Other People
How to navigate grief in a society that doesn’t really understand.
By Shawn Doyle
A few years ago I was getting my hair cut, and the woman cutting my hair asked if I was married. I told her I was and I was a newlywed. She kind of looked at me funny because people don’t expect someone fifty plus years old to be a newlywed. (Why? I guess there are some rules that only young people are newlyweds, I guess.) She asked if I was married before and I gently told her I was a widower. She asked about how long I had waited before I started dating again, and when I told her she was quite shocked. She then muttered to me in a quiet way, “I could never do that.” When I asked “Could never do what?” she said “Any of it.” It became clear she did not want to discuss it further. Somehow I had broken some rule in her values system. This reminded me of what I wrote about in my book The Sun Still Rises about the “rules” about grief.
My guess is that people are ill-informed about death, and are passing along what they have heard during their life as the rules. The reality is there are none.
I wanted to share with you society’s rules about grief, and what you can do to navigate around them. Yes, I know you already have enough stress and pressure dealing with grief, and now you…
