Why Sex and Love Get Boring — and How To Have Transcendent Sex
Once I became familiar with sex like this, all levels of sex improved.
By Chris Menné
Sex and your alive sense of love have different expressions or stages over time. You’ve likely seen these stages: “new love,” “being in love,” and even longer-term attachment.
These are all experiences I’ve known to go well. And yet, as I became more self-aware, and was involved with more self-aware partners, I also had really difficult experiences come up.
At first, this was baffling (and painful) to me. Then I saw a pattern, after growing past the fulfillment of having good sexual and emotional needs met, sharing similar outlooks on life, being there for each other, and even getting pretty good at conflict resolution and the like; now and then, some gaping chasms would show up out of nowhere. Or worse, sex would become a habit, leading to less aliveness, less connection, and even boredom. Ouch.
Have you experienced that? Do you even “expect it?” As in, “Love always dulls.”
For a while, me too. But being somewhat of a fan of the more mystical aspects of life, “What are awareness and sense-of-self, how does love arise, what makes sex so interesting and satisfying, etc.?”
Over the years I’ve also come to see how sex and love — let’s say sexual-love — can really benefit from two core competencies.
One is knowledge of sexual energy (which requires some solid anatomical skills as well), this involves a higher-awareness of the experience or perception of the sex you are having. The other is a kind of mindfulness, and a cultivated higher sense of self or Presence — and how to share this — this can induce a big shift in your experience of love.
Hmmm? What is all this? That was my take when I really dove into this domain. What I learned is there is a lot of useful and solid material: Physical sexual skill, tantric skills with sexual energy, psychological health, and awareness of higher-self.
What I also found was this: as you grow and start doing meditation and mindfulness; good sex, comfortable love and companionship increasingly don’t cut it.
I also found well-researched but little known understandings which indicate that as I matured or evolved my consciousness, I “needed” and wanted better sex — transcendent sex. The same goes for more love — higher love from a higher-self.
THAT’s why sex and love get boring — a higher need, a spiritual need, is not getting met. This is natural. But these competencies around sexual-love are all too rare in our society (and honestly the world at large).
Am I talking about tantra here? To a degree yes.
But to be more precise, I am talking about a full-spectrum competency with sexuality, which includes some core aspects of sexual practice you could call tantric.
Yes, I’m talking about techniques — although it is really about sensation and perception.
To simplify, the essential sexual practices, derived from tantra, and modern research on sexual response are:
- Delayed male climax
- Cultivation of continuous female sexual stimulation
- Cultivate awareness of male/female polarities of sexual drive and sensation
Utilizing these can help you:
- Build and amplify sexual sensation to become aware of sexual energy associated with sexual pleasure
- Expand sexual energy to become aware of “subtle-body” energy (real, felt, and perceivable)
- Draw on and direct the subtle energy to expand consciousness
This can induce more Presence — a core sense of yourself, genuinely altered states of consciousness, and even higher states of consciousness. Intense experiences of heightened pleasure and feeling deeply connected are common.
“What about my orgasm?” the guys say.
Not to worry, what you are experiencing here is, in many ways, better than orgasm. And when you do choose to climax, look-out! Delayed male climaxing is a powerful event on many levels. And these practices, with natural adjustments, work equally well with same-sex couples.
Am I then having sex like this all the time? No. But once I became familiar with sex like this, all levels of having sex improved, from a “quickie,” to transcendent sex.
What about love?
The second core competency is to experience the source of love as originating from within your own Presence.
To access Presence (a subtle sense of self a bit more expanded than our unexamined sense of self) calls for some mindfulness, maybe some spiritual practice, and perhaps a little bit of higher-consciousness work too.
And then, you can open up to a natural, life-changing shift — where we experience love as shared Presence.
You shift from simply “meeting your needs” to training yourself to fully see, feel and perceive your partner — your teammate — without filters. The words here are a bit abstract, but if you have ever felt “fully seen,” you know how amazing it feels. You can learn to “feel” energy associated with Presence in your heart area, and your partner’s heart area — this in itself is amazing — and so is the sex.
Of course, over time, this approach to coupling has periods where the degree of attention a couple shares varies. But I have found, as these robust competencies become integrated, a broad landscape of shared existence rich with living texture and aliveness often emerges. Conflicts and misunderstandings tend to occur much less. The sense of routine, or becoming a pattern or habit for one-another tends to arise much less often as well.
If you cultivate shared Presence and expanded sexual skills, together, you can induce profound experiences of intimacy, love, and connection, which do not dull with time because they are infinite in nature.
This story was previously published on The Good Men Project.