Why You Can’t Make Her Happy

She’s responsible for her own happiness.

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Photo Credit: Unsplash

By Stuart Motola

Guys, have you ever found yourself saying, “I can’t make her happy”?

Men say this all the time. Married men. Single men. Smart men. Not so smart men.

“I feel like I’m always trying with her. But I just can’t get it right.”

  • Where’d we get the idea, as guys, that we have to make her happy?
  • Why do we think her happiness is our job?
  • Who planted it into our heads?

From the first date, the voices enter — I better charm her, show her I’m strong, make a good first impression, pick up the bill.

Ironically, once she trusts you’ll stick around, she’s onto you like brushfire.

“You didn’t do what you said.”
“You were late.”
“You ate the lasagna that was for tomorrow night’s dinner.”

Soon enough, the script gets wired into a guy — You don’t make me happy.

Have you ever been in that story? How’s it feel? Most men say, hopeless.

Guys, let’s face it, women are powerful today. Blossoming careers. Empowered voices. Sexually confident. The days of the damsel in distress are done.

So, what’s a guy to do?

FIRST, kill the “I can’t make her happy” script.

It’s not your job to make her happy. And it will NEVER happen on a permanent basis.

She’s responsible for her own happiness. If she doesn’t take that responsibility, then you’re with a bratty girl, not a woman. Bitch, bitch, complain, moan — is what you likely hear from her. A mature woman does not expect her man to make her happy.

Can you pick up after yourself better? Pay more attention to things that matter to her? Of course. But you do it because you respect and care for her, not because you want to make her happy.

SECOND, be real, you’re not authentically interested in “making her happy.”

That’s a dishonest attempt to get what you really want, which is love, sex, and intimacy. When a man says, I can’t make her happy, he really means, I don’t feel loved.

So, is she responsible for ensuring you feel loved? No, she’s not! Reclaim that for yourself. Learn to love yourself as well. It’s not all on her. She’s your partner, not your mother.

And the first way to do that is to stop dumping all of your emotional needs onto her. That’s not respectful to you or her.

THIRD, use your unhappiness as motivation to change.

Unhappiness is a gift. It tells you something’s wrong. It’s a wake-up call — to know that the solution exists on a different level than the problem.

When you stop projecting your unfulfilled love needs onto her, suddenly you’re able to see her more clearly, which is all she really wants.

See me, hear me, hold me, love me — that’s a woman’s call to a man. You’ll never be strong enough to fulfill the call without taking responsibility for your own happiness.

AND LAST, open your heart in all its hurt.

Face your pain with the support of a coach, therapist, or men’s group. Do your emotional work. And become the man you want to be — not for her, but for you. She’ll love you for it, as well.

Are you a nice guy wanting more from your relationship? (Or a woman with a nice guy?)

Change that today. Get the support you deserve.

Improve your writing, expand your reach, and monetize your craft. Join The Good Men Project’s Writers’ Community on Patreon. We welcome all experience levels. Learn more on our Patreon page.

This story was originally published on StuartMotola and republished on The Good Men Project.

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